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Joanna C.

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i usually do what i want. hate being told what's right and what's wrong. i hate people underestimating me..

always misunderstood.

break me.
July 11

booohooo!

i've created a new blog..
 
new...
 
*secret* blog.
 
(neh.)
 
so anyways i guess i won't be blabbing here for awhile...
 
boooooooohooooooooo...
 
well, depends on my mood actually. :)
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
(i swear.. i swear.. i have atleast 6 blogs on blogspot.com. this is probably my 7th... so? who's counting..)
July 03

un-titled or..

friendship's been my top priority but right now i feel a sudden chill.
oh, those forgotten words and the empty promises left out alone to weather the storm.
feeling neglected and invisible behind this little glow.
the light is fainting by all the short disappointments that pinches me just a little harder each time.
 
friendship - such a fragile bond and easily cracked by some unforgivable... (i've lost the word.)
 
i feel dragged down by a tug of jadedness.
push me back just three steps by your gentle ignorance.
 
friends - i used to say that i'd stay through all obstacles and never stray.. try my best never to bring harm in any way.
friends - i now dare to say - aren't that (missing word) after all..
 
i've been too short sighted.
 
i've been holding on to endless...
now, even endless has a limit and i'm getting tired.
 
giving friendship and the word endless a new meaning...
 
my next chapter...
 
 
 
 
 
there's a whole new outlook, a new perception and many new meanings in words and views. 
 
 
i should take things by chances and not for granted.
and you- too should do the same.
 
 
*hold on a second... i think i've mixed it all up.
try adding two wrong/different ingredients into a boiling pot without a stirrer.
 
still don't get it? its okay... stop trying.
 
 
:::..
 
i dreamt of a life fetus cake last night.
want a slice of my dream?
 
June 12

words

from this day forth..
i will not let little matters bother me at all..
because i have so much more ahead of me.
 
from this day forth..
i will not let little matters bother me at all..
because i have so much more ahead of me.
 
from this day forth..
i will not let little matters bother me at all..
because i have so much more ahead of me.
 
from this day forth..
i will not let little matters bother me at all..
because i have so much more ahead of me.
 
from this day forth..
i will not let little matters bother me at all..
because i have so much more ahead of me.
 
from this day forth..
i will not let little matters bother me at all..
because i have so much more ahead of me.
 
from this day forth..
i will not let little matters bother me at all..
because i have so much more ahead of me.
 
from this day forth..
i will not let little matters bother me at all..
because i have so much more ahead of me.
 
from this day forth..
i will not let little matters bother me at all..
because i have so much more ahead of me.
 
from this day forth..
i will not let little matters bother me at all..
because i have so much more ahead of me.
 
from this day forth..
i will not let little matters bother me at all..
because i have so much more ahead of me.
 
from this day forth..
i will not let little matters bother me at all..
because i have so much more ahead of me.
 
from this day forth..
i will not let little matters bother me at all..
because i have so much more ahead of me.
 
 
 
June 03

quizblahs

who's your type?
 

Your type is the Goofball

Laughter is the way to your heart. A guy with a great sense of humor isdefinitely the one for you! You want a Goofball, someone who can laugh athimself and make you laugh, too. There's no bigger turn-off than a guy whotakes himself too seriously. You know that if a guy is silly, he's generallyself-confident and secure. Your man is a people magnet and everyone'sfavorite friend. There's never a dull moment with your jokester nearby. Youcrave excitement and laughter, and your goofball enhances those things inyour life. You probably think life is too short to spend it without asmile. Your goofy guy will ensure that that doesn't happen — hislighthearted and silly ways make everything a little bit brighter.

 


what kinda girlfriend are you?

 

you're a Romantic Realist

When it comes to relationships, you're looking for a fairy tale — or something pretty close to it. While you don't really expect to be whisked away by a prince on a white horse, you probably like the idea of being rescued — as long as you're allowed to rescue back. You expect great things out of people, especially those you love, and you don't mind putting in the extra effort to make sure everyone (including yourself) is happy.

Tradition is usually important to you, as long as it's mixed with your own personality. Sure, flowers and candy are great, but when it comes to showing affection, you simply want something that is unique and special to your relationship. For you, it's always the thought that counts.

 


your gender identity?

 

you're 37% feminine


This is based on how you scored on a variety of traits that, founded on classic research and our own studies, are typically associated with women.

You're also 63% masculine, which is based on how you scored on traits that are typically associated with men. When we compare your results with other men it shows that you are somewhat more feminine than other men.

But what is gender identity exactly? A person's gender identity is defined by the extent to which they see themselves as masculine or feminine. Every person possesses both masculine and feminine qualities to some degree, however the extent to which each person has these qualities differs widely. While you were taking the test, we calculated your scores in 6 areas typically defined as masculine and 6 areas typically defined as feminine.

 

 


dream interpretation test.

 

the recurrent theme of your dream life is Order And Balance


You're dreaming about something that feels just out of your control. This means that in some area of your life, you desire a way to rein in the external chaos that's impacting you and once again feel on top of things.

 


 

May 06

dream notes

// i just woke up breathless from another horrifying dream that affects me so...
 
i dreamt..
- that the world was gonna end...
- of an erupted volcano...
- of snakes falling down from the sky...
- that i was about to get a tattoo that says "time" /  "time and tide waits for no men" under my chest...
- that a flood was coming and it was gonna be a big one...
- that during all the on-going panics i was tryina help the people telling em to get the fuck into the building...
and they barely listened at all taking their own sweet time.
- that someone was on a upper... and he/she was being way too emotional talking much junks.
- that i actually saw the flood coming straight towards me... the water pressure hit the windows and within  a second i was already beneath choking under water.
 
and lastly in my dream i thought to myself that... its happening again...
 
depesperately, forcing myself back to the waking world...
 
breathless... it all felt too real.
 
::::
 
just a couple of days ago...
i dreamt about flood as well and the world coming to an end...
 
 
i am affected. kinda..
cause it feels weird.
 
and what's with all this hidden dream meanings anyways...
 
May 05

first time

i saw a shooting star this morning by the poolside... : )
April 30

quoted

.: gia

 

"It wasn't just a matter of stopping. It was a matter of wanting to live in the world that I live in, and making it work for me instead of against me."

"The world seems based on money and sex ... I'm looking for better things than that, like happiness and love and caring."

"You have to try to discipline yourself, because after a certain age nobody is going to do it for you."

"there's a lot more to being a woman. When I look in the mirror, I just want to like myself, that's all. And if I like myself, than I look good"


Life and death, energy and peace. If I stop today it was still worth it. Even the terrible mistakes that I made and would have unmade if I could. The pains that have burned me and scarred my soul, it was worth it, for having been allowed to walk where I've walked, which was to hell on earth..

"heaven on earth, back again, into, under, far in between, through it, and above."

April 29

so vague

// my dream..
 
Cancer
To dream that you have cancer, denotes hopelessness, grief, self-pity, and unforgiveness. You feel you are wasting your life away. This dream also represents areas in your life which are bothering you, disturbing you, and hurting you in some emotional way.
 
Doctor
To dream that you are seeing the doctor, denotes discouraging illness and strife amongst members of your family. It may signal your need for emotional and spiritual healing.
 
Injection
To dream that you are being injected for health reasons, suggests your need for healing behavior/ideas/attitudes. You need to develop yourself on a mental and spiritual level.
 
To dream that someone is forcibly injecting you, represents your negative attitudes about a particular situation/person. It also indicates the influence of peer pressure working against you. You are recognizing that someone is forcing their negative and unwelcome views/values on you.

bad day

i hate drunk people and i hate sober people and i hate all people today!
i hate short people and i hate tall people and i hate all people today!
cuz i'm having a bad day.. having a bad day.. get outta my way!!! cuz i'm having a bad day...
 
i hate horny people and i hate corny people and i hate all people today!
i hate dumb people and i hate smart people and i hate all people today!
 
hate all people today...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
March 09

shape of the puzzle

// the transparent circle..
 
i always say this..
problems are hard to solve when you are in the circle.
cause ya can't see what's going on..
everything's vague to ya cause ya trapped in it..
you'd need an outsider's point of view..
cause the problems would be right in front of them..
and its much easier that way to have a little in-sight in the courses and the goings..
 
so what happens when you are out of the circle..
you already stepped out of it..
and everything's in clear view..
 
at this moment,
you should know how to fix it.
 
but then again, you're still a little confused.
unsure of what's right to do..
or where to head to..
 
....
...
..
 
so now..
where is the missing puzzle..
no outsider, not even yourself..
have a clue..
 
where did that last piece go..
March 06

disappear

// she crouched down in the corner with her head between her legs..

my sweet surrender..
craving for more poison..
the bitter sweet taste..
black diluted liquid..
thrilled down my throat..
i swallowed hard..
as i layed down..
stoned  to  the  bones..
i closed my eyes..
vision was a blur..
looking into my own shadow..
as i sink into it..

disappear.

deep sleep..
into my world..
dreams..
i crave for it each day..
between the truth and the lies..
stirred..
fear not the unknown..
body breathing..
reality can hardly be seen..
almost comatose..
and with each living breath..
i beg for death..
to take me away..

fade away.
March 03

sick cycle

life passes by so fast..
 
what do you see when you turn around..
back to the past?
 
i see friends.. and backstabbers.
i see my dad crying in the school office.
i see many pretenders who tried to get a piece of me.
i see fun fairs and joy rides.
i see tears from my gram's eyes.
i see drugs.
i see suicides.
i see myself running away from home.
i can still hear my mom sobbing in my voicemail.. on the phone.
i see that rebellious.. stubborn.. naive.. gullible little girl.
who gets herself involved in everything..
i see those plastic puppy love.
...........
.....
..
 
// now..
 
i see how much i've changed..
from regrets, hurt and shame.
i see my parents faces..
and i realized now how much i need them.
i see my gram's getting older..
i wanna spend more time with her.
i see my friends.. my true friends..
i know who to treasure.
 
i see that memories will always be..
at the back of my head.
i see my past and now..
changing isn't enough..
there's still so much to learn..
through every little mistakes that i'll tend to make..
 
i see old photos..
i see how life gets so bitter and old.
and one day it'll all just slip away..
when you least expects it..
nothing left for me to hold..
 
February 21

nothingness

// my sacred heart..

resting 'pon the burning flame..
no one can touch..
through my soul that's locked and chained..
far away from heaven's view..
above the flaming chambers..
beyond the tidal waves..
that crashes to me, hard..
like a rag doll that's been broken..
from the past it hurts so much..
memories stay, fixed..
chainball burden..
i drag along each day..
temporary pain..
bruises surfacing once again..
a beauty, of abusive darkness..
so harsh, yet tame..
what's left to me in sight..
simple as it is..
still, i have to fight..
through the pouring rain..
soft lightning crying out to me..
afraid i might touch the sky..
tonight, with all my fears..
a connection to my tears..
drowning away the innocence..
so fragile..
people die with anger..
advantages, disadvantage..
people take things for granted..
and bury themselves in blue sheets..
that is pure transparent..
still, too bold to ask for a reason why..
or cry out loud for forgiveness..
that they always ask for..
words mean nothing at all..
so why..
can't i touch the sky tonight..
where only one star shines up bright..
feel my spirit rise..
inhale, exhale..
touch the sky..
connect..
cry..

drown the fools..
drown all sins..
death's a silent prayer..
till judgement day arrives..

:::

extinct..
non-existence..
shattered world is left..
with an empty black..
sinner scars remains..
rusting as each day fallen..
behind our eyes so far away..
forsaken.. and damned.
say no more..
be ashamed..
born to perish..
take the blames..
swallow it..
chances are thin..
appreciate..
time will seize..
we decease..
slowly..
too late..
left undone..
regrets..
guilt..
negativity blooms..
misery..
shallow..
numbness..

nothingness.

February 19

typical sunday

// nothing can beat..
 
listening to my favorite songs..
reading my comic book..
singing those sappy tunes with a smile..
calmed soul..
lighting a cigarette and smoking..
chilling..
swinging my chair from left to right..
alone in the comfort of my room..
where everything feels right..
aircon's at the right temperature..
sun light gazing through my window..
taking away the blues..
and all the little matters that always tend to bother me just one bit..
from every corner of my mind..
and in my heart that screams out for nothing at all..
 
how little things can make me feel so much at ease..
and a little more complete..
each day.
February 18

childhood sweet candy stories

A little girl was told to bring bread and milk to her grandmother.
As she was walking through the woods, a wolf came up to her and asked her where she was going.

"To grandmother's house.."

The wolf ran off and arrived first at the house.
He killed the grandmother, poured her blood into a bottle and sliced her flesh onto a plate.
Then he got into her nightclothes and waited in the bed.

KNOCK KNOCK.

"Come in, my dear"

"I've brought you some bread and milk, grandmother."

"Have something yourself, my darling. There is meat and wine in the pantry."

The little girl ate what was offered.

And as she did, a little cat said, " Slut! to eat the flesh and drink the blood of your grandmother!"

Then the wolf said, "Undress and get into bed with me."

"Where shall i put my skirt?"

"Throw it on the fire; you won't need it any more."

For each garmen, petticoat, bodice, and stockings, the girl asked the same question.
And the wolf replied, "throw it on the fire, you won't need it any more."

When the girl got into bed she said, "grandmother, how hairy you are."

"It keeps me warmer, my dear."

"Oh grandmother, what long nails you have."

"They are for scratching myself, my dear."

"Oh grandmother, what big teeth you have."

They are for eating you, my dear."

And he ate her.

February 10

etah

 
i hate to be in this position.
i hate to feel this way.
i hate it when i'm choked with words.
tongue tied, with no say.
i hate the fact i'm always the blame.
i hate it that i'm me.
i hate sudden changes in front view.
i hate to be faulty.
i hate it when i can't make things right.
i hate to be confused.
i hate it when i can't see things clear.
stuck in this circle, blinded fool.
i hate to fall..
cause i'm afraid.
i hate it that i'm weak.
so fragile, with a tough front.
i hate it to be me.
i hate it when people can't understand.
and they act as if they do.
i hate it to be pushed around.
and end up alone with the blues.
i hate it when i try too hard.
and get hurt in the end.
i hate it when i try sometimes.
and no one appreciates.
i hate it..
i hate it to be alone at night.
i hate to feel this way.
i hate the fact that i'm still here.
stuck in a quicksand.
i hate it..
i hate it..
i hate it this way..
 
maybe i'll stray..
maybe i won't stay..
February 09

green flash

scene one..
 
empty soda bottle.
ball point pen/hollow tube.
aluminum foil.
stash.
 
hit the bong.
cypress hill music.
portishead music.
 
wind down.
 
mood: bothered. chill down. pissed. chill down. happy.. very happy.
 
laugh.

chill.
 
smile.
 
max kick kicking in..
 
stone.
 
FEEEEEL THE KICK.
 
mellow down. 
 
 
 
imaginary scene two..
 
wouldn't that be cool?
 
spag top.
short shorts.
light a jay.
jaccuzi.
canna beer.
massive attack music.
cool breeze.
 
 
imaginary scene three..
 
bikini.
beach.
pot.
smoke.
bob marley music.
 
 
 
imaginary scene four..
 
home.
budd/lova.
greens.
cheech and chong movies.
half baked movie.
fear and loathing in las vegas movie.
MOVIE MARATHON...
laugh.
beers.
chill out.
 
 
all in all = great time.
January 31

in the dark

// two little words.
 
i'm afraid.
 
:::
 
need someone to be by my side tonight..
tell me that everything's gon be alright..
sing me a sweet lullaby..
till i close my eyes..
 
but no..
no one's here tonight..
only my own shadow view..
thoughts of fears blooming..
gloom.
 
::
 
please make it go away.
make it stray..
 
don't want it to stay..
 
:
 
i'm afraid.
January 29

bsb

song's running at the back of my head.
tangled thoughts
repeated song.
lyrical sheet scrolling up and down.
there, a sentence with a glow.
highlighted just a few days ago.
words i cannot say.
 
 
January 25

broken shield

yknow.. it tickles me to see em fake acts.
how people can maintain a fake front.
and confuse me to the core.
 
so tell me now..
how do i tell..
what is real and what is not..
 
i need a shield..
 
:::
 
communication breakdown.
 
how words get tangled up..
so easily..
causing misunderstandings..
 
and after the next minute..
the phone rings..
and you listen to the things you'd suspected from the start..
but wasn't sure..
swallowing the truth and the doubts..
a simple phone call solved the puzzle.
 
again..
its so confusing..
the things people do and say..
front of ya and behind ya back..
 
ain't the same.
 
or maybe its just the impression..
people carry..
or the expression..
that gives it all out..
 
i don't know..
 
missing text and scenes...
holes in my head.
 
still..
 
beer.
valium.
greens.
 
are still good for the soul.
 
...
..
.

getting high..
flying by..
with an empty mind..
 
and dehydrate.
 
sinfest  
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